Sunday, March 9, 2008

Just a Little Extra

I have more I want to say, but it's busy here.

Contrary to what Cara believes, what I wrote is NOT about her. We had already exchanged a couple emails (my computer had farted and I missed her original post on having a c-section and not wanting to hear bad things, and I was clueless of that when I asked why she was having a c-section and then proceeded to send her the Spinning Babies link and wrote about what I'd do in that situation). I thought I had made it clear in my email that it was about what I would do. I'm sure she's done research; I really don't think I said or implied (in my post or emails) that she hadn't (but many doctors have no experience with doing things like holding a flashlight to the belly to convince a baby to turn). It doesn't matter to me.

My last post here was germinated after reading the funny bit about how having a pregnant belly means you're fair game for advice (but truly, it's not limited to that.....mention to someone that you have high cholesterol, and suddenly you hear about their husband's sister's aunt's husband who was about to have a quintuple by-pass when they started taking castrated yak semen pills and suddenly they are cured), and then by her declaration of not wanting to hear horror stories.

I wondered why I had never heard horror stories. And I realized it's because I don't view someone else's historical retelling of such an important event as 'horror' or 'helpful'. Cara needs to stop internalizing what others are saying about themselves. I could really care less how Cara gives birth; it's not my concern.

But....then I started thinking some more. Having had a traumatic birth, I began to feel judged by her ignorant labelling of my birth story as horror. I don't go around telling it to pregnant strangers, or even pregnant non-strangers. I do share it sometimes with the message of education, empowerment, and entertainment. There's a lot that others could learn from my birth story. But to have it labelled as a horror story by a stranger is a little much.

It's no secret that I'm a believer in "The Secret". What you focus on, expands. However, if you ignore educating yourself (NOT DIRECTED AT CARA, just a general 'yourself'), you will actually feed the fear. You know there are things to be fearful of; by not knowing what those are, and what you can do, you are NOT going eliminate fear or those events. To eliminate fear, you must attend to it, allow it to exist and be acknowledged. Then you can not worry about being consumed by it.

There was a show in Canada, similar to TLC's "Birth Story". One woman was hyper-fearful of having to have an episiotomy. She spoke with her doula, but she couldn't hear and absorb what the doula was telling her....she was stuck in being afraid of her fear. Once she was in labour, she got dilated to "9 3/4cm" but just 'couldn't' make it to 10cm. She 'had' to have a c-section. Coming out of recovery, she was filmed saying "At least I didn't have to have an episiotomy!". OMG. That was very avoidable--both the c-section and possibly the episiotomy.

THAT was my point of the past post. It was a post about VIEWPOINTS and how looking at something through the horror lens may create horror; choosing the filter you use is important.

For all of those women, who like me, have a "Horror story about birth" and want to share it...just email me and I'll post them here! With your own commentary, or mine; up to you. It's NOT about trying to scare someone; it's about retelling your personal story in the hopes it brings healing to yourself and information to others. My filter is education, not 'scare the pregnant chick'.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have to put my two-cents regarding Cara's reaction to your posting. I believe when you put personal information out there you have to accept the comments without being mean. Your posting regarding people's stories was funny and so right-on! Not offensive in any way. It is unfortunate that Cara took it that way, but she seems to react negatively when people disagree with her.

To my knowledge, the First Amendment in the U.S., freedom of speech without censorship, is still in existence.

Keep posting. You're great!
Anne in the U.S.

K said...

I find it hard to accept any advice or "stories" from someone who actually still buys into The Secret.

Cara's blog is hers. She welcomes comments but more than once explicited asked folks not to do what you did.

The First Amendment has no applicability here. Really, this is just a matter of manners. Shame on you.

Anonymous said...

You're looking like an insensitive, obnoxious woman by publicizing this. Cara has the right to say what she wants on her blog. So just shut up!!! I swore I'd never leave an anonymous comment, but you're an idiot.

Anonymous said...

Oh DEAR! Look at the hate thrown your way.

Sometimes the amount of gushy-love-slash-everyone-agreeing-with- everyone on the popular blogs feels a little cult-ish and weird to me.

It's feeling a little like Jr. High 'round the Innernets today. I have to agree with the first commenter regarding negative reactions to people who aren't falling all over themselves to kiss ass.

Write whatever you want on YOUR BLOG - I'm rootin' for ya.

Peace!

elizabeth marley said...

I don't often comment on "blog drama" because I don't want to make myself look like an ass, and because I believe that if I don't like what someone writes I should just close the window and move on.

However, people often forget that the internet is kind of like a room full of people, and you can chime in on any conversation that you hear. You may not like what someone has to say about the statements you make, but you should be adult enough to respond intelligently or know when to just walk away.

That said, I don't like the tone Cara's blog has taken lately. She often writes controversial things and then demands that no one comment with their (differing) opinion. I should take my own advice and just close the window, but I don't. This little blog war is silly, but not as silly as the way she is treating her readers. I'm glad to see you respond intelligently and conscientiously--it looks as though you truly put some thought into your past few posts. They are clearly not just about one blogger, but about bloggers as a whole.

I don't know if I agree with everything you say, but I appreciate the way you put it. Thanks.

Wendy said...

What the heck, man? Why is someone telling you to shut up on your own blog? That's someone who needs to take Elizabeth's advice and just close the window and move on.

You've apologised and explained your opinion and you are definitely entitled to it having come to it from your own experience, and posting it on your own blog. And I wouldn't have seen it if Cara hadn't linked to these posts, so I'm not sure how you are supposed to be "publicizing this." If it's a matter of moving on and ignoring unsolicited advice, I'm don't think that linking to it is the way to accomplish that goal. It frankly looks to me like the intention is to have people pile onto you, but I've been popping in and out of Cara's beautiful blog and I am sure she would never intend anything so meanspirited. Ugh, that sounds like some cr@ppy backhanded compliment and it's not meant that way.

Anyway, your blog, your opinion, her blog, her opinion, and you have apologised for sending her an e-mail she didn't want, so I'm not sure why people are telling you to shut up on your blog. That's all I really meant to say. That trend in the comments just really bothered me, otherwise I would have just closed the window and moved on.

Anyway, I'm sure it's all just momentary and accidental bad behavior and all will be well soon.

Anonymous said...

Nicely put, Elizabeth Marley. You put it better than I did in my comment right before yours.

It's so true that you're putting yourself out there when you blog.
That's why I don't do it!

I've lately been feeling like closing the window on some blogs lately. The self absorbtion! The consumerism! But yet I don't. I LOVE Cara's photos, for example.

I guess a blog is like a living room - and if you open it up, you're going to get some traffic you don't like. But if you put it all out there for people to comment on (I pee my pants! I go to lots of therapy!), then you have to be set up to deal with it, I think.

Look at Grumperina's blog...i flipped out when i read her wedding post. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend, or was planning a wedding! She obviously keeps some stuff private - likely because she doesn't want to hear the advice roll in. Maybe people should take a page from her book. OR NOT - whatever! People can do what they want - I just don't care for the fingerpointing, name-calling, immature behavior I'm seeing here today.

Peace (again).

Carrie said...

Thank you for the spinning babies link. I'm nearly 34 weeks and the babe has been breech seemingly forever!

I could say more but I haven't decided how much I want to invest in commenting! I was going to email you but didn't see your email posted anywhere (is it my baby brain?).

Nicole D said...

Yikes - alls I gots to say is it is interesting how ppl can take personal a very impersonal environment the WORLD WIDE web....

Hullo?!?! It's in the name.

I think you took the proper step in apologizing, it should have ended there. It didn't. Being the bigger person, the more mature person, would be to let blog wars die. Shoulda woulda coulda... closing the window now ;o)

K said...

Apologies for a post written in haste. I've just seen too much Competitive Mothering from the Hyper-AP, Natural-Is-Always best crowd. Taking a swipe at you because you buy into The Secret was very low. I am sorry.

Anonymous said...

ITA w/Elizabeth Marley. Cara has a very confrontational tone at times, and pregnancy has only exacerbated it. I visit her for the pictures, but her attitude has made me unsub a handful of times. She has...very clear directions on what her readers are and are not to do, and never seems to care if she comes off like a snot (which she OFTEN does, I think).

Add to that the MY LIFE MY BABY I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING FROM YOU ABOUT MY LIFE OR MY BABY MY BABY MY BABY.... Ack. I guess she must get a lot of negative comments, to have made her so aggressively...whatever you'd call it.

And really, if I were having a baby and didn't want comments on it, I wouldn't frickin' blog about it.

So I'm not surprised that you have people coming over here and lecturing you, but I gotta say, I think you're okay in how you did things. There are cliques, and in-crowds, and members of said groups tend to be cut a lot more slack in cases like this, but a large readership doesn't excuse rudeness or hypersensitivity or whatever.

--Shana in MO

~Debbi~ said...

Aw, crap, Tracy, now I gotta Google "The Secret" to find out what it is! And, really, I'm sick of blogs that say "This is how it is, only reply if you agree with me" and all the sycophants are like "Oh, you're so right, ITA, brilliant *cough Tertia@soclose cough*" and then someone comes on and dares to say, "Well, actually..." and all the little sycophants jump down his/her throat. Godforbid someone actually try to help. And by posting these blog entries, maybe/hopefully you've helped Carrie (above) avoid unnecessary surgery. That would rock!

hbacmama said...

It has been six years, six months, three weeks and six days since my cesarean for breech. I laboured for 15 hours before they realized he'd flipped over to a funky breech position.
I'm one nasty horrible person... because I can't understand why a woman would want to have major abdominal surgery and put all that risk on herself AND HER PRECIOUS CHILD.... just because they can't be bothered to try and turn the baby.
Well, have a nice c/s, the respiratory issues for baby, the bonding isssues, the years of abdominal pain etc...
Just a few weeks ago I ran into a friend who went in for an elective repeat c/s. She came home with her baby, but not her uterus.
Doctors don't tell you that now do they? Is that the big secret? That you don't always get told what REALLY could happen?
geeze.
I went on to have awesome homebirths with my other two children. Thank God for the midwives!