Monday, November 3, 2008


This is going to be an unusual post for me. I'm going to get personal. And I'm going to complain. Now, I'm sure you've heard me complain before, but I've made it a personal life rule that I don't waste time complaining about things I can't/won't change. I may comment about my displeasure, but I don't dwell. I abhor listening to people complain or whine about things they either can't affect, or won't try to affect. I never want to be that person. I don't want pity about my neck....I can't do much about it, and neither can the listener, so what's the point? Some empathy is nice though, and I clearly remember last year, when I went to my family doctor for the third time during the Giardia crisis, she commented that I'd had a really rough time lately. That acknowledgement meant a ton to me! Same with when my old family doctor (a young man who died way too soon) called me at home after my miscarriage.

Anyway. Onwards to my complaint. It's weight. Sigh.

I have never, ever, thought of myself as skinny. Not even 'normal'. Even 25lbs ago, as a teen, I wanted to be thinner. Well, not so much thinner---I just wanted a smaller belly. It's always been out of proportion. My weight slowly crept up during university, and as long as I was walking 5 miles a day, it wasn't too bad. Then I moved to North Bay and had to rely on the buses, and put on quite a bit of weight quickly. I finally felt totally terrible about my weight. I felt fat. That was about 5lbs more than now....but my clothing sizes were quite a bit bigger then. Then I got suddenly dumped from what was supposed to be the 'it' relationship, and I was home for teaching placement so I could walk 5 miles/day again, and that plus the depression made me lose weight quite quickly for the first time ever, but I was still 13lbs above high school graduation weight (which is the weight many experts say you should maintain!). I felt really good though (except for the belly, and my boobs which didn't manage to shrink). This is when I met Rob. Over the next two years, I put on about 7lbs, but still felt good. I was very active; walking alot, generally eating well.

When I got pregnant with Lucy and went for the first apt. at 12 weeks, I was a little shocked at how much weight I MUST have put on in those 12 weeks, LOL. But without trying, I barely put anymore weight on during the pregnancy. But she was born in November, and it took awhile before I needed to acknowledge the weight. A new family doctor poked me in the belly and commented on still having 'winter weight' now that it was spring. OMG. I finally bought a scale, and stepped up the walking and it slowly came down to wedding weight, and I've pretty much maintained that, even dipping a couple pounds lower.

Then I got sick last fall. At first I didn't lose weight due to the bloating. But once the little buggers were out of my system, suddenly I had lost 8lbs! I felt great. Back to the weight I was when we met! But it was Christmas/winter! Argh. The weight didn't stay off. Continually, I kept saying 'it's going to happen now'. I visualized a slimmer me by summer time. I did some food diaries. I tried to get more active. I thought I was doing what I needed to. I eat well, I'm pretty active. However, it's not enough. Near the end of school, I went to a website (I think) and re-checked my BMI. It showed exactly what I knew. I snack too much, but otherwise eat very well, and I could use more intense exercise. I bought Jim Karas' "The Cardio-Free Diet". I did some self-exploring.

Obviously, I wasn't upset enough about my weight to do the hard work I needed to do to lose the 8lbs the BMI says I need to lose to be at the top of the healthy range for my height. The number on my clothing tags is okay with me--it's below 'average'. My health issues have remained unchanged from when discovered 20lbs ago.....for some they might be weight related, but obviously, not for me. I doubt losing 8lb could improve the arthritis in my neck, LOL. Actually, my blood pressure is awesome lately, and I'm on less meds than 3 years ago! Generally, when I get dressed, I feel fine about myself (except for the belly, LOL, and my boobs weren't reduced as much as I would have liked). I have noticed some back rolls I don't like too much, LOL, but obviously they don't bother me too much. Rob doesn't complain about my weight (usually). I'm not way overweight. Just a little. And THAT is what sucks.

It would be easier to lose weight if I were very overweight. How can that be? Well. If I weighed 200lbs, I'd have a basic basal caloric need of 2000 cal. per day. If I were eating that much, there would obviously be some bad habits that could be easily changed. To lose a pound a week, you need to expend 3500 cal. more than what you take in. You could do this by dropping 500cal/day, or a combination of less food/more exercise. So, just by eliminating 500cal/day (4 pops, or 100g of chips, or 6 cookies), a 200lb person will lose 1lb/week, and it will take them 50 weeks to get to 150lbs--the weight their new diet will support (I know there are probably bigger issues here, I'm just dealing with numbers right now).

I don't have 4 pops or 100g of chips to eliminate every day. I have a basic caloric balance of 1400cal. If I drop 500 cal/day. through food alone, I'd be down to 900cal which is a starvation diet and not maintainable for more than a couple weeks. If I assume the diet of a 130lb person--1300cal--I'd be dropping only 100cal per day.....less than one cup of juice (don't drink juice), or one slice of bread (a huge source of fiber for me), or 1 1/2 cookies. But, by dropping only 100 cal/day, it would take me 35 days to lose ONE pound. To lose the 10lbs, would take 350 days. As long as it takes the 200lb person to lose 50lbs; and we'd both be eating healthy, comparable diets!!

At the start of the summer, I decided I would adopt a brighter outlook on my weight. I would be more accepting of myself. I would try to eat even better, and be more active. Well, the weather sucked, having the kids home was stressful.....I ended up with a couple extra pounds!!!!

At the start of school in September, I decided I needed to get tough with myself. We had decided to go on another cruise, leaving Nov. 9. That gave me nine weeks to lose 8-10lbs, although I wasn't focusing on the number--I wanted a better attitude and a healthier me. I was really good about cutting out the cookies and other snacks. We walked everyday (I'd do a fast one mile walk to the school, and then we'd have a slower walk back). I started circuit weight training. Surely, the combination of fewer calories and more exercise would make a difference. Mathematically, how could it not? I estimated through food diaries that I was consuming about 200-300 cal/day less, and the walking would consumer another 200-300cal.

After a month, I finally got on the scale again. It hadn't moved, not even a smidge. I hadn't noticed any real change, and the scale confirmed it. I felt horrible. Truly, horrible. It wasn't fair. I don't want to be this weight anymore. I want to be able to say I'm at a healthy weight, not that I'm "just a little overweight". This past month I have totally slacked off again. I've kept up the walking though; except for a few days when it was way too windy. I am trying to be mindful of what I eat, but hey, I love food. Just as I was coming to terms with my body image, and then trying to improve it, it all falls apart. Now I feel blubbery. I see my muffin tops every time I pass the mirror. I notice that my clothes are size large. I don't feel "large" inside (or even outside, really), but it all adds up to the undeniable fact that I am overweight.

It feels like one more thing I should be able to fix but can't. I'm tired of being the one who tries to make everyone else feel better and I just want to sit here and cry. I've never felt like this before, regarding my weight--even back 20lbs ago when I tried to lose weight for highschool prom. I do feel good about not being 'terribly' overweight, but if I can't lose a measly 8lbs---hell, I can't even lose 2lbs---then I'm just as bad as someone 200lbs overweight. I feel weak (in a self-control sort of way), petty, self-absorbed, juvenile, embarrassed, and hopeless. On one hand, I am accepting of myself/my weight, but on the other, I'm SO disappointed. I really tried this time and failed. Someone call Dr. Phil; I don't think he'd understand me through my tears.

I am so scared to hit the "Publish Post" button. To send this out into the real world, with people I know. To acknowledge to the great universe what I say only in my head. I don't want to hear "Oh, you look fine". That really doesn't help. I don't know what would make me feel better though. I really don't.


Anonymous said...

I know were you are coming from, I fight that same fight every single day. Something I find I have to remind myself on a regular basis is that just cause the scale dosnt change dosnt mean that the rest of you hasnt. Your more physically fit then you were before and dont forget that you have probably gained some muscle which is heavier then fat. maybe try taking some measurements that may bring up your spirits.
love ya

Brooke said...

I hear ya!! Have you tried Weight Watchers?? Because it really did the trick for me back before I got pg the first time. I was able to find all the points info online and did it w/o paying them :) Unfortunately, that info is no longer available for free :( I started out weighing 163 lbs and I'm 5'2". I started out eating about 1350 calories and lost 1.5-2 lbs a week. Once I got to 150 lbs I cut back to about 1150 calories to continue losing weight. I made it to 135 in about 3 months, and I did NOT exercise. Exercising makes me too hungry and I end up eating more.
I don't know the answer for you, but I wonder about your metabolism... do the rx you take affect weight loss? MIL had that problem for many years.
Big Hugs, and know that we love you regardless :) Feel free to complain away!!
Oh, and I still have 5+ lbs to get to my pre-Leah weight and 15+ lbs to get to my pre-Elijah weight... and the flabby belly that makes me look 4 months preggo, yeah, that's lovely too, lol

Cheryl-lynn said...

I just hate spending time around skinny people sometimes becuase it makes me feel worse with myself when i look in the mirror. But i've ALWAYS had weight issues too. I went from being a stick as a kid to being over weight in my early teens. The only reason why i was small when i met mike was the guy i dated before mike was my first bf and i was afaird to eat in front of him so I think i starved myself for a year. I was so happy with my weight though, I was skinny and "hot stuff" but then i met mike and felt more comfortable with myself and have gained 55lbs in the past 7 years. College is what killed me though, and then I just love food so much i can't control myself anymore. I hide chocolate in my undie drawer for gosh sasks. mike does complain becuase he knows i'm very unhappy with myself and he misses me "smaller" again. I don't ever want to be as small as i was but if i could fit in a 12 or 13 again, that would be wonderful. I'm like you, i want it but the working with no results is frustrating. I'm less then i was in the summer but can't fit in my darn clothes. Thats what i'm dealing with right now. I guess i'm sorta lucky cuz no one will ever know my weight looking at me, I hide it well. But i know the truth and it depresses me all the time. I just tell myself i never want to get to the point were my weight stops me from doing stuff. I've had strech marks since i was 11 or 12 because i gained to quickly. I sucks all around. So we can cry together, ok?! lol