Complaining

This is going to be an unusual post for me. I'm going to get personal. And I'm going to complain. Now, I'm sure you've heard me complain before, but I've made it a personal life rule that I don't waste time complaining about things I can't/won't change. I may comment about my displeasure, but I don't dwell. I abhor listening to people complain or whine about things they either can't affect, or won't try to affect. I never want to be that person. I don't want pity about my neck....I can't do much about it, and neither can the listener, so what's the point? Some empathy is nice though, and I clearly remember last year, when I went to my family doctor for the third time during the Giardia crisis, she commented that I'd had a really rough time lately. That acknowledgement meant a ton to me! Same with when my old family doctor (a young man who died way too soon) called me at home after my miscarriage.

Anyway. Onwards to my complaint. It's about........my weight. Sigh.

I have never, ever, thought of myself as skinny. Not even 'normal'. Even 25lbs ago, as a teen, I wanted to be thinner. Well, not so much thinner---I just wanted a smaller belly. It's always been out of proportion. My weight slowly crept up during university, and as long as I was walking 5 miles a day, it wasn't too bad. Then I moved to North Bay and had to rely on the buses, and put on quite a bit of weight quickly. I finally felt totally terrible about my weight. I felt fat. That was about 5lbs more than now....but my clothing sizes were quite a bit bigger then. Then I got suddenly dumped from what was supposed to be the 'it' relationship, and I was home for teaching placement so I could walk 5 miles/day again, and that plus the depression made me lose weight quite quickly for the first time ever, but I was still 13lbs above high school graduation weight (which is the weight many experts say you should maintain!). I felt really good though (except for the belly, and my boobs which didn't manage to shrink). This is when I met Rob. Over the next two years, I put on about 7lbs, but still felt good. I was very active; walking alot, generally eating well.

When I got pregnant with Lucy and went for the first apt. at 12 weeks, I was a little shocked at how much weight I MUST have put on in those 12 weeks, LOL. But without trying, I barely put anymore weight on during the pregnancy. But she was born in November, and it took awhile before I needed to acknowledge the weight. A new family doctor poked me in the belly and commented on still having 'winter weight' now that it was spring. OMG. I finally bought a scale, and stepped up the walking and it slowly came down to wedding weight, and I've pretty much maintained that, even dipping a couple pounds lower.

Then I got sick last fall. At first I didn't lose weight due to the bloating. But once the little buggers were out of my system, suddenly I had lost 8lbs! I felt great. Back to the weight I was when we met! But it was Christmas/winter! Argh. The weight didn't stay off. Continually, I kept saying 'it's going to happen now'. I visualized a slimmer me by summer time. I did some food diaries. I tried to get more active. I thought I was doing what I needed to. I eat well, I'm pretty active. However, it's not enough. Near the end of school, I went to a website www.myhealthyweight.ca (I think) and re-checked my BMI. It showed exactly what I knew. I snack too much, but otherwise eat very well, and I could use more intense exercise. I bought Jim Karas' "The Cardio-Free Diet". I did some self-exploring.

Obviously, I wasn't upset enough about my weight to do the hard work I needed to do to lose the 8lbs the BMI says I need to lose to be at the top of the healthy range for my height. The number on my clothing tags is okay with me--it's below 'average'. My health issues have remained unchanged from when discovered 20lbs ago.....for some they might be weight related, but obviously, not for me. I doubt losing 8lb could improve the arthritis in my neck, LOL. Actually, my blood pressure is awesome lately, and I'm on less meds than 3 years ago! Generally, when I get dressed, I feel fine about myself (except for the belly, LOL, and my boobs weren't reduced as much as I would have liked). I have noticed some back rolls I don't like too much, LOL, but obviously they don't bother me too much. Rob doesn't complain about my weight (usually). I'm not way overweight. Just a little. And THAT is what sucks.

It would be easier to lose weight if I were very overweight. How can that be? Well. If I weighed 200lbs, I'd have a basic basal caloric need of 2000 cal. per day. If I were eating that much, there would obviously be some bad habits that could be easily changed. To lose a pound a week, you need to expend 3500 cal. more than what you take in. You could do this by dropping 500cal/day, or a combination of less food/more exercise. So, just by eliminating 500cal/day (4 pops, or 100g of chips, or 6 cookies), a 200lb person will lose 1lb/week, and it will take them 50 weeks to get to 150lbs--the weight their new diet will support (I know there are probably bigger issues here, I'm just dealing with numbers right now).

I don't have 4 pops or 100g of chips to eliminate every day. I have a basic caloric balance of 1400cal. If I drop 500 cal/day. through food alone, I'd be down to 900cal which is a starvation diet and not maintainable for more than a couple weeks. If I assume the diet of a 130lb person--1300cal--I'd be dropping only 100cal per day.....less than one cup of juice (don't drink juice), or one slice of bread (a huge source of fiber for me), or 1 1/2 cookies. But, by dropping only 100 cal/day, it would take me 35 days to lose ONE pound. To lose the 10lbs, would take 350 days. As long as it takes the 200lb person to lose 50lbs; and we'd both be eating healthy, comparable diets!!

At the start of the summer, I decided I would adopt a brighter outlook on my weight. I would be more accepting of myself. I would try to eat even better, and be more active. Well, the weather sucked, having the kids home was stressful.....I ended up with a couple extra pounds!!!!

At the start of school in September, I decided I needed to get tough with myself. We had decided to go on another cruise, leaving Nov. 9. That gave me nine weeks to lose 8-10lbs, although I wasn't focusing on the number--I wanted a better attitude and a healthier me. I was really good about cutting out the cookies and other snacks. We walked everyday (I'd do a fast one mile walk to the school, and then we'd have a slower walk back). I started circuit weight training. Surely, the combination of fewer calories and more exercise would make a difference. Mathematically, how could it not? I estimated through food diaries that I was consuming about 200-300 cal/day less, and the walking would consumer another 200-300cal.

After a month, I finally got on the scale again. It hadn't moved, not even a smidge. I hadn't noticed any real change, and the scale confirmed it. I felt horrible. Truly, horrible. It wasn't fair. I don't want to be this weight anymore. I want to be able to say I'm at a healthy weight, not that I'm "just a little overweight". This past month I have totally slacked off again. I've kept up the walking though; except for a few days when it was way too windy. I am trying to be mindful of what I eat, but hey, I love food. Just as I was coming to terms with my body image, and then trying to improve it, it all falls apart. Now I feel blubbery. I see my muffin tops every time I pass the mirror. I notice that my clothes are size large. I don't feel "large" inside (or even outside, really), but it all adds up to the undeniable fact that I am overweight.

It feels like one more thing I should be able to fix but can't. I'm tired of being the one who tries to make everyone else feel better and I just want to sit here and cry. I've never felt like this before, regarding my weight--even back 20lbs ago when I tried to lose weight for highschool prom. I do feel good about not being 'terribly' overweight, but if I can't lose a measly 8lbs---hell, I can't even lose 2lbs---then I'm just as bad as someone 200lbs overweight. I feel weak (in a self-control sort of way), petty, self-absorbed, juvenile, embarrassed, and hopeless. On one hand, I am accepting of myself/my weight, but on the other, I'm SO disappointed. I really tried this time and failed. Someone call Dr. Phil; I don't think he'd understand me through my tears.

I am so scared to hit the "Publish Post" button. To send this out into the real world, with people I know. To acknowledge to the great universe what I say only in my head. I don't want to hear "Oh, you look fine". That really doesn't help. I don't know what would make me feel better though. I really don't.