Food issues. Sigh. What parent doesn't have at least one food issue at some point in their parenting career? There are some common complaints we all seem to face and some common suggestions on how to deal with them.
Don't give them anything else to eat; if they're hungry, they'll eat it. For how long should we hold this up? I've heard of some parents giving last night's dinner for breakfast! If they didn't like it at dinner, what would have made them like it while they slept?
I'm not a restaurant; this is what is served. That's being a bully. What adult would make themselves a meal they know they don't like, and then expect themselves to eat it? Would you invite a guest to dinner, and knowing that they're vegan, make them cream of chicken soup...and then say "I'm not a restaurant, you won't starve..."? Or, expect them to make their own dinner in your house?
"It tastes fine to me/It's not chewy to me" Why should you expect everyone in your family to like the same thing? We insist on the kids trying everything, but I also know that if they have already formed an opinion, they won't likely change their mind with just one bite. Meg loves fish, but last night she refused to try some catfish. She might have liked it, she might not have. But it wasn't worth a battle.
"You liked it last week" Yeah, and last week Melissa was her best friend and this week it's Maddie. Maybe she was more hungry last week. Maybe it tastes a little different tonight. I find this one SO frustrating, but I have to respect their opinions at all ages if I want them to grow up and know HOW to have and share opinions.
Having kids with sensory issues complicates things too. They (my kids; not all kids with sensory issues) have trouble chewing meats that adults find tender. I help out by cutting meats as small as possible for them, but sometimes that's not even enough, they only want 'easy' foods. Do I give in? Is there a way to make steak or pork chops easier to chew? I've even served veal only to be told it was too tough! Meg has the issue of over stuffing her mouth and then not being able to chew and swallow it all so I often find piles of chewed up food in the sink! She's done the hard work, LOL, I don't know why she doesn't just swallow. She also doesn't mind eating with her fingers, and doesn't feel when her face is dirty. But she does love to eat, LOL.
Lately, the big issue with Hugh has been the sound of knives on our stoneware. Like nails on a chalkboard, this common dinner noise is painful to his sensitive ears. So much so that he will either gobble it down and leave, or wait till everyone (esp. Daddy) is done eating. I can accommodate him by giving him a plastic plate, or a stoneware plate with a plastic fork...but I don't think Daddy wants to use a plastic knife.
With parenting, we're often faced with how much to compromise. When are we catering to our kids, and when are we just trying to make a harmonious meal time?
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Parenting When it Matters Most
Why is it so hard to be an effective parent at the times it matters most?
There is something I have noticed among parents, especially new parents. The ones that complain the most seem to be trying to make their child/baby fit into their world. The other parents, the ones that mold their world to suit their baby, seem to have it "easier".
Lets back up a bit.
How often do you hear "My baby won't sleep" "My baby has it's days and nights confused" "She wants to eat every 2 hours!" "He hates the crib" "I can't get anything done!" What if we turned these statements around: "My baby likes to be awake" "Our ideas of when to sleep are not the same" "Babies sure have tiny tummies" "How wonderful to snuggle while we sleep" and "Everything else can wait, babies are tiny for such a short time".
Why would we do this? We're the adults; shouldn't baby conform to our lives? But why should baby?
Imagine his life before being ejected. Constant warmth, constant confinement, constant noise, constant nourishment. Sleep when sleepy, awake when energized. Never have to feel hunger, a wet diaper, cold dry skin. The birth process is a rude awakening for most babies in our 'modern' culture. And then we want them to eat/sleep/wake when WE want them to?
How many parents look at a newborn's life from an anthropological viewpoint? Sure, you might know your baby likes to be swaddled, but have you thought further back than that? Why should your baby "want" to sleep alone in a crib? How can we think a baby should "want" to eat only every 3 to 4 hours? Sure, we know they have a tiny tummy, but do we know why? Why do we get upset if baby "wants" to be held all the time?
These aren't "wants" to a baby! They are biologically programmed needs to ensure baby's survival. Unfortunately, what baby needed to survive 10 000 years ago is what makes parents feel like they're not going to survive this stage, LOL.
I used to feel, before having my own children, that I understood them quite well. But what it really was, was that I knew how to respond to them. I still had some crazy ideas before Hugh came along.....we were going to have a schedule (except for nursing), we would have firm routines, we would have experiences and opportunities for educational exposures. But what he taught me was that what I wanted was not the same as what he needed. I could mold to him more easily and sanely than making him mold to me.
Before Lucy was born I heard about Dr Harvey Karp and "The Happiest Baby on the Block". I read the book while pregnant, and again in her first few weeks cause, dangit, I was NOT having another "Huey". Sure, Lucy was a happier baby, but is it because she's got a different disposition, or is it because I learned that humans are the only species born not able to support their own head? Was it the 5 "S's" that made her happy, or did they just make it easier to be a parent?
Ah. Easy parenting. Lazy parenting. Some say it's letting the dog lead the walker. But it's not. It's doing the things that make life easier for everyone, based on knowledge of the why's and when and your own child. Some children co-sleep well, and this makes them happy. Some babies do not co-sleep well, and forcing them to makes everyone unhappy. Doesn't mean you're not following attachment parenting if you don't co-sleep :) Breastfeeding is a LOT easier than bottle feeding, AND it's better! (Except for in those 10-15% of cases when it's not). Babywearing is SO much easier than carrying a carseat, or a stroller, or letting your baby scream in a bouncy chair because you're "afraid of spoiling him".
When Hugh was quite little still (around 4 months), I finally got to the library to see if there were any parenting books that could explain him. I found Dr. Sear's and his "High Needs Baby" book. Aside from the "7 B's of AP", I learned the one bit of info that has played the biggest role in my parenting: "A need that is filled will self-extinguish, a need that is suppressed or forcibly extinguished, will remain a need but perhaps unrecognized as a subconscious driver of behaviour". (Not a direct quote!).
Think about yourself. Ever had a craving for potato chips? The "experts" say to have some popcorn or some carrots, for the crunch. You eat the whole bag of carrots and what do you feel? That you still want the chips!!!! If a baby needs to be held, they will continue having this need until THEY feel it's been met. So, if you leave your baby to cry in the stroller, or bouncy seat, or crib to "teach" them....what they are learning is that you don't care about their needs and won't meet those needs. Babies will then go one of two ways. Some will rev it up. Others will withdraw. It's okay to say, "I'll give it a few minutes to see what happens" but when it goes on and on, repeatedly, or your attitude is "he's got to learn", then their need never gets met, and it doesn't go away. I have a "signature" on my emails that says "Children should be held by people, not things; Try a sling". What the "cry it out" baby has "learned" is that being held by a THING is better than being held by a person. Isn't that sad? Now think about how that gets internalized as the child grows and starts to form relationships with others.....
This idea of filling needs doesn't stop with infants though. Dr Karp has another book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and really, I think it applies to people of all ages! This Christmas break was a hard one for Meg. Although she's not the best kid to get into bed at a decent time, her behaviour over the break, at bedtime, was out of her normal repertoire. The days weren't too bad, but she was suddenly having tantrums again. But then every night at bedtime there was screaming, coming out of her room, total defiance, screaming, etc....one night we had a disagreement right before bedtime. I knew she'd never go to sleep unless we resolved it, so we did, and I told her that a talk and a snuggle could solve anything. So, the rest of the two weeks, she'd start screaming "I want a snuggle" instead of going to bed. Well, after two hours of this, who wants to snuggle?! I explained that I wasn't going to 'reward' her bad behaviour that way.
Finally, on the second to last night of the break, I "gave in". About an hour earlier than she had been at least getting quiet the previous nights, I laid down and rubbed her back. She was asleep in under 10 minutes and slept all night! The next night was now a school night, and I tried it even earlier. She has a music player that goes for 6 minutes....longer than it took her to fall asleep! Of course, now I'm feeling horrible for the rough two weeks when I didn't "give in".
Would it have been giving in? I thought about what life was like for her during the break. She went from having me alone all morning, to sharing me with the entire family (even Daddy was home for a week). Asking (screaming) for a snuggle was her way of saying she hadn't met her need of mommy-time. She has a need for one-on-one time with me. Perhaps all the kids do, but they don't express it so vehemently.
So, next time you find yourself in a 'battle' with your child, especially over something that seems out of ordinary, dig a little deeper. Has something changed? Even something simple like a different cereal for breakfast or having to wear a hat. Children really don't want to be "bad". They really just want things easy too. But because they operate more on a biologically driven basis, rather than a knowledge driven framework, they have a unique way of expressing things, LOL.
Editted to add:
I just want to say that Meg wasn't wandering around for two hours every night for two weeks screaming "I want a snuggle". It was more like...an hour and a half of trying to get her to at least stay in her room, settle down, stop tantruming about something, etc....and THEN she'd start with the "Snuggle me". If she had just skipped all the rest hubabaloo and just started with teh "Snuggle me", I would have just laid down and snuggled with her, like we did for the last couple nights of break. Hindsight....but even last night, the snuggling did not work until 11pm when she finally laid down and was asleep in under a minute.
There is something I have noticed among parents, especially new parents. The ones that complain the most seem to be trying to make their child/baby fit into their world. The other parents, the ones that mold their world to suit their baby, seem to have it "easier".
Lets back up a bit.
How often do you hear "My baby won't sleep" "My baby has it's days and nights confused" "She wants to eat every 2 hours!" "He hates the crib" "I can't get anything done!" What if we turned these statements around: "My baby likes to be awake" "Our ideas of when to sleep are not the same" "Babies sure have tiny tummies" "How wonderful to snuggle while we sleep" and "Everything else can wait, babies are tiny for such a short time".
Why would we do this? We're the adults; shouldn't baby conform to our lives? But why should baby?
Imagine his life before being ejected. Constant warmth, constant confinement, constant noise, constant nourishment. Sleep when sleepy, awake when energized. Never have to feel hunger, a wet diaper, cold dry skin. The birth process is a rude awakening for most babies in our 'modern' culture. And then we want them to eat/sleep/wake when WE want them to?
How many parents look at a newborn's life from an anthropological viewpoint? Sure, you might know your baby likes to be swaddled, but have you thought further back than that? Why should your baby "want" to sleep alone in a crib? How can we think a baby should "want" to eat only every 3 to 4 hours? Sure, we know they have a tiny tummy, but do we know why? Why do we get upset if baby "wants" to be held all the time?
These aren't "wants" to a baby! They are biologically programmed needs to ensure baby's survival. Unfortunately, what baby needed to survive 10 000 years ago is what makes parents feel like they're not going to survive this stage, LOL.
I used to feel, before having my own children, that I understood them quite well. But what it really was, was that I knew how to respond to them. I still had some crazy ideas before Hugh came along.....we were going to have a schedule (except for nursing), we would have firm routines, we would have experiences and opportunities for educational exposures. But what he taught me was that what I wanted was not the same as what he needed. I could mold to him more easily and sanely than making him mold to me.
Before Lucy was born I heard about Dr Harvey Karp and "The Happiest Baby on the Block". I read the book while pregnant, and again in her first few weeks cause, dangit, I was NOT having another "Huey". Sure, Lucy was a happier baby, but is it because she's got a different disposition, or is it because I learned that humans are the only species born not able to support their own head? Was it the 5 "S's" that made her happy, or did they just make it easier to be a parent?
Ah. Easy parenting. Lazy parenting. Some say it's letting the dog lead the walker. But it's not. It's doing the things that make life easier for everyone, based on knowledge of the why's and when and your own child. Some children co-sleep well, and this makes them happy. Some babies do not co-sleep well, and forcing them to makes everyone unhappy. Doesn't mean you're not following attachment parenting if you don't co-sleep :) Breastfeeding is a LOT easier than bottle feeding, AND it's better! (Except for in those 10-15% of cases when it's not). Babywearing is SO much easier than carrying a carseat, or a stroller, or letting your baby scream in a bouncy chair because you're "afraid of spoiling him".
When Hugh was quite little still (around 4 months), I finally got to the library to see if there were any parenting books that could explain him. I found Dr. Sear's and his "High Needs Baby" book. Aside from the "7 B's of AP", I learned the one bit of info that has played the biggest role in my parenting: "A need that is filled will self-extinguish, a need that is suppressed or forcibly extinguished, will remain a need but perhaps unrecognized as a subconscious driver of behaviour". (Not a direct quote!).
Think about yourself. Ever had a craving for potato chips? The "experts" say to have some popcorn or some carrots, for the crunch. You eat the whole bag of carrots and what do you feel? That you still want the chips!!!! If a baby needs to be held, they will continue having this need until THEY feel it's been met. So, if you leave your baby to cry in the stroller, or bouncy seat, or crib to "teach" them....what they are learning is that you don't care about their needs and won't meet those needs. Babies will then go one of two ways. Some will rev it up. Others will withdraw. It's okay to say, "I'll give it a few minutes to see what happens" but when it goes on and on, repeatedly, or your attitude is "he's got to learn", then their need never gets met, and it doesn't go away. I have a "signature" on my emails that says "Children should be held by people, not things; Try a sling". What the "cry it out" baby has "learned" is that being held by a THING is better than being held by a person. Isn't that sad? Now think about how that gets internalized as the child grows and starts to form relationships with others.....
This idea of filling needs doesn't stop with infants though. Dr Karp has another book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and really, I think it applies to people of all ages! This Christmas break was a hard one for Meg. Although she's not the best kid to get into bed at a decent time, her behaviour over the break, at bedtime, was out of her normal repertoire. The days weren't too bad, but she was suddenly having tantrums again. But then every night at bedtime there was screaming, coming out of her room, total defiance, screaming, etc....one night we had a disagreement right before bedtime. I knew she'd never go to sleep unless we resolved it, so we did, and I told her that a talk and a snuggle could solve anything. So, the rest of the two weeks, she'd start screaming "I want a snuggle" instead of going to bed. Well, after two hours of this, who wants to snuggle?! I explained that I wasn't going to 'reward' her bad behaviour that way.
Finally, on the second to last night of the break, I "gave in". About an hour earlier than she had been at least getting quiet the previous nights, I laid down and rubbed her back. She was asleep in under 10 minutes and slept all night! The next night was now a school night, and I tried it even earlier. She has a music player that goes for 6 minutes....longer than it took her to fall asleep! Of course, now I'm feeling horrible for the rough two weeks when I didn't "give in".
Would it have been giving in? I thought about what life was like for her during the break. She went from having me alone all morning, to sharing me with the entire family (even Daddy was home for a week). Asking (screaming) for a snuggle was her way of saying she hadn't met her need of mommy-time. She has a need for one-on-one time with me. Perhaps all the kids do, but they don't express it so vehemently.
So, next time you find yourself in a 'battle' with your child, especially over something that seems out of ordinary, dig a little deeper. Has something changed? Even something simple like a different cereal for breakfast or having to wear a hat. Children really don't want to be "bad". They really just want things easy too. But because they operate more on a biologically driven basis, rather than a knowledge driven framework, they have a unique way of expressing things, LOL.
Editted to add:
I just want to say that Meg wasn't wandering around for two hours every night for two weeks screaming "I want a snuggle". It was more like...an hour and a half of trying to get her to at least stay in her room, settle down, stop tantruming about something, etc....and THEN she'd start with the "Snuggle me". If she had just skipped all the rest hubabaloo and just started with teh "Snuggle me", I would have just laid down and snuggled with her, like we did for the last couple nights of break. Hindsight....but even last night, the snuggling did not work until 11pm when she finally laid down and was asleep in under a minute.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Using Babies for Activism
I think it's great to parent with intention. Whatever your philosophy is, it's great to have a basis for your actions. I've talked about being a lazy parent---breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, etc. Those are principals of "Attachment Parenting" as well. I love to let other parents know that there is a name for this parenting, and all the ways that being a 'lazy' parent is actually good for your children. I know I've sort of brainwashed Meg about babywearing as she often mentions about seeing sad children in strollers and wants me to make a sling every time she sees a pregnant woman! LOL.
But I don't use my children to further the "AP" movement. Nor do I go around pushing it on others, I just try to let moms know there are other options out there. I have been reading a blog lately called "Peaceful Parenting" (I don't want to link directly to it, because I'm not interested in starting any sort of 'war'). I agree with most of her ideology....it's all good for our babies. Recently (Fri. Nov 12 2010), she posted pictures of clothes for babies and adults that they sell, with parenting activism slogans. Now, some of them I did think were funny! "Eat Local" with a graphic of a baby breastfeeding (graphic, as in drawing, not graphic as in real and up close).
But some of the shirts I just don't think are appropriate for children to wear.
This one says : Breastfeeding, Sling-riding, sleep-sharing, intact Lucky Boy
This one says : Breastfeeding, Sling-riding, sleep-sharing, intact Lucky BoyReally. Why do you need to advertise all that on your child's shirt? Why isn't he IN a sling? If he were, you wouldn't be able to read all that. And what happens when he gets to be oh, 12 or 14 and his girlfriend is looking at his baby book....
Oh, wait. Here's one for older boys!
I don't need to know this about your child! As a teacher, what would I say if he came to school in this shirt? I know, nothing here is offensive, or perverted, or sexual....but still. It's one thing to share your beliefs when someone asks for them, but it's another thing to use your children to spread the word. How is another little boy who was formula fed, stroller stuffed, solitary slept, and circumcised going to feel? Unlucky? How will his mother feel? That might depend on if she cared about those things, but even if she hadn't cared one way or the other about co-sleeping or formula, etc, she still did what she felt was the right thing for her and this shirt implies that all other types of parenting are wrong and perhaps even damaging.
What I would love to see is a shirt that says "Ask my Momma why I'm so lucky" or "Ask my Momma how you can have a great babe like me!"
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Labadee, Labadoo...
I should forget about "The Rest of My Life" and just write about Labadee, Haiti. It appears that's all anyone comes to this blog to read. Oh, and some come for the visit to Jamaica. LOL. So much for the breastfeeding, gentle birth, babywearing advocacy, or the delightful pictures of my brood. We had a great time in Labadee though, and I hope my posts reflect that and let others look forward to their day too. However, Labadee has undergone a HUGE transformation since Oasis of the Seas starting docking there. But it's still a nice place to rest and relax, or have some fun too.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Update on Images on the Web
I haven't yet found out an easy way to find out if my blog pictures have ever been stolen. If anyone knows, let me know! However, I spent a few minutes today Googling different word combinations about babies, diapers, woolies, etc to see if anything comes up in their Image results. But with THOUSANDS of results, I can't sift through them all.
But something did happen that startled me. I have another blog, besides the knitting one. It was made after my mom and dad's 40th anniversary party in Aug 2007. I wasn't using Facebook at the time and it seemed an easy way to show off large numbers of photos from the big day, and other extended family events. There hadn't been any "stats" available for it through my Blogger dashboard, but today I looked again. One page had been visited. You can look to see how people got to your blog and I followed it to bing.com search engine and some searches with combinations of the words "mom" and "pantyhose". There, on the first page, is a picture of my cousin's daughter....not a mom, and not even showing below her waist (but the caption under the photos is "...after straightening her pantyhose...but judging by her expression, maybe before"). Two rows below that image is one of Meg, from the same post.
How on earth could I know that writting that ("adjusting her pantyhose") would bring up her picture on a search engine? I don't know how popular Bing is, but when I typed the same words into Google, I didn't get the pictures (at least, not as far as I scrolled down). I got a ton of pictures I really didn't need to see on a Tuesday though. And hopefully none of my kids ever Google "pantyhose".
What other phrases should I Google/Bing? And how can I track my photos?
But something did happen that startled me. I have another blog, besides the knitting one. It was made after my mom and dad's 40th anniversary party in Aug 2007. I wasn't using Facebook at the time and it seemed an easy way to show off large numbers of photos from the big day, and other extended family events. There hadn't been any "stats" available for it through my Blogger dashboard, but today I looked again. One page had been visited. You can look to see how people got to your blog and I followed it to bing.com search engine and some searches with combinations of the words "mom" and "pantyhose". There, on the first page, is a picture of my cousin's daughter....not a mom, and not even showing below her waist (but the caption under the photos is "...after straightening her pantyhose...but judging by her expression, maybe before"). Two rows below that image is one of Meg, from the same post.
How on earth could I know that writting that ("adjusting her pantyhose") would bring up her picture on a search engine? I don't know how popular Bing is, but when I typed the same words into Google, I didn't get the pictures (at least, not as far as I scrolled down). I got a ton of pictures I really didn't need to see on a Tuesday though. And hopefully none of my kids ever Google "pantyhose".
What other phrases should I Google/Bing? And how can I track my photos?
Monday, October 4, 2010
How Do I....
....find out if someone has stolen pictures from my blog, or linked to them? I know at the bottom of each post there is a "Links to this Post" but I can't continuously go through each post and click on that.
A parenting blog I read has recently discovered that pictures of her (deceased) child were on a strangers computer, half a world away, along with child porn. The pictures of her child were innocent, harmless, typical child pictures. She was contacted by the police of that country. Many commenters mentioned that similar things happened to them. But how can I find out if any of my pictures (or posts) were taken?
A parenting blog I read has recently discovered that pictures of her (deceased) child were on a strangers computer, half a world away, along with child porn. The pictures of her child were innocent, harmless, typical child pictures. She was contacted by the police of that country. Many commenters mentioned that similar things happened to them. But how can I find out if any of my pictures (or posts) were taken?
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Stats
Upon reading the last post about my very quick recap of 2009, I forgot Rob's car accident. That was the first weekend in Oct; it took till mid-March to get a court date which was set for Aug 12. All went well. I'm sure there's plenty other things I could have written about. The thing is, it's much easier to post pictures on Facebook, and for people to leave comments. But here, you can write more and put the pictures into the writing. It just takes longer to get the pictures loaded to Blogger. Five at a time? They need to change that!
There's a new feature on Blogger that lets you look at your stats. You can see how many people read which posts, where they're from, how they got here. The two most popular posts for this blog are the ones about Montego Bay and Labadee. Over 90 page views each. This is so cool to see how people get here. Feel free to leave a comment at anytime!
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